On Having an Unapologetic Appetite

What I got from farming + some new podcast episodes coming very soon!

I am trying to be someone with an unapologetic appetite (anyone else see this clip?).

I think I had one at one point when I was very young, but growing up in diet culture often made me feel that my appetite was something to be tamed.

A few things have helped me unlearn this. One was farming.

Last year I spent seven months working full-time at a small, local vegetable farm (shout out to Long Season Farm <3). Working there was the first time in my life I offered myself permission to eat however much I wanted to eat, whenever I wanted to eat.

I wish this was just because I thought that would be a satisfying, affirming thing to do. But it wasn’t just that.

It was also because of a sticky thought I had that since I’d be doing physical labor for hours a day, five days a week, I could eat a lot of food and I wouldn’t gain any weight. In other words, this decision to embrace my appetite was fueled by the lingering grip of diet culture.

Anyway, I was wrong. I ate and I farmed, yes, but my body didn’t stay the same. It got broader, stronger, wider, rougher. I could lift heavier things. My hands chapped, my fingertips cracked. My feet calloused in a way that made me feel both horrified and so protected by my own self. My wedding ring became dangerously tight. Thanks to the university of YouTube, Grace found a way to remove it by wrapping my finger with dental floss and slowly unfurling it while working the ring off. I started to wear the ring on a chain, touching it repeatedly throughout the day to make sure it was still there. 

I ate what I wanted, however much I wanted. I would have eggs and toast for breakfast until I got sick of eggs and toast started making a pot of rice and a pot of beans each week and mixing the two for breakfast. I’d top my warm bowls of rice and beans with sour cream and hot sauce, sometimes with a sprinkle of crispy fried onions (like these).

I would bring lunch with me every day. Mostly leftovers. Mostly vegetables I would take home for work and cook with garlic and olive oil and toss with cooked pasta. I would have an entire bunch of kale or a whole head of escarole prepared this way, plus plenty of red chile flakes tossed in with the hot oil so the entire pot of food would zing. Sometimes I’d bring sandwiches or gigantic chopped salads full of all of the things we were growing. Roasted eggplant. Crunchy carrots. Sweet beets that I’d steam, dice, and leave in a jar with vinaigrette so they would soak it up. I’d add fatty things to fill me up, like cheese and avocados and salami and nuts, so that I wouldn’t be hungry during the afternoon. I ate so that I could do my job with the energy it required. I kept granola bars in the pocket of my overalls and, whenever I felt like it, I’d stop for soft serve on the way home at the ice cream store around the corner.

When I would come home from work, I would make dinner, enough for me and Grace and often enough to bring for lunch the next day. I was growing food that I was cooking and eating and it was all just full-circle. My life was a small, simple loop. 

Photo of me lovingly looking at a tray of sprouts, taken by Erin Enouen!

Prior to farming, I spent decades (decades!) controlling my appetite. Trying to manipulate and silence it. Releasing this vice has allowed me to get to know not only how much I had been restricting myself, but also what it feels like to actually give my body, to give myself, what I want.

It feels fucking awesome. It feels like relief.

Farming allowed me to get to know the breadth of my appetite, one of the greatest forces my body holds. 

In knowing this, I am also getting to know my body as it is, not as something I’m trying desperately to change. I am thinking less about how to fit in, whether it’s into old clothes or societal norms, since fitting in means to inherently make yourself smaller, or to at least be open to changing your shape— to fit in.

I am thinking more about how to just be. I recently bought a pair of shorts and had this delightful thought when I was looking at the tag: I am an extra-large woman! I am less afraid than I’ve ever been to take up space. To be unapologetic.

I am currently working on a few podcast episodes with a group of people who also think about appetites and express that thinking in really insightful ways from different perspectives. I’m excited to share those soon— the first drops tomorrow (did I use ‘drop’ right??). My podcast is also called Keep Calm & Cook On and it’s here on Apple Podcasts— if you subscribe, new episodes will appear on your podcast player as soon as they’re available. There’s also merch!

I’m so excited to share these conversations. More soon.

Take care, xoox, Julia

My Sunday afternoon class this coming Sunday will be a Perfect Summer Dinner, including tons of tips for grilling. We will grill without fear + with confidence! We will make chimichurri and blue cheese wedge salad! We will make a blueberry crumble…maybe I’ll even make mine on my grill?! Info + signup here. If you can’t attend live, you can still sign up and you’ll get a recording of class right after it ends so you can watch anytime. Cook with me or just watch and then cook whenever you feel like it.