"it's okay to want it"

about hearing the exact thing you need to hear at the right time

In just a couple of days I’ll be competing in the USA Powerlifting New York State Championships. It will be my fourth powerlifting competition and I’m really excited for it (a little nervous, too, but the good kind-of nervous).

A photo from the last competition I was in (Ladies of Iron!) in May 2024. Photo by Kevin Drury.

If you’re new here, powerlifting is a weightlifting sport I got into three-and-a-bit years ago. I like to share about it every so often because (a) it’s a big part of my life that makes me very happy and (b) I think it’s always worth talking about the things that makes us feel our best and most at home in our bodies, especially in a newsletter mostly dedicated to how and what we feed ourselves.

For more info: I wrote a long form essay about my powerlifting journey (for a series of essays that

Roxane Gay

edited for Everand) that you can read or listen to here. I also shared more background on how that essay came to be (and a short excerpt!) here. And, believe it or not, I got to actually do a short interview with PEOPLE about it which you can find here if you’d like. Want to see a very sweet video about the queer barbell group I started at my gym? You can find that here! That’s a lot of links! Go forth!

I’m bringing powerlifting up today not just to air my anxiety about the competition this weekend (lol), but also to tell you about something my spouse Grace said to me that felt really profound and worth sharing.

Last Friday night as we were about to fall asleep, I was telling Grace about how I hit a PR (“personal record”) on my squat that day at the gym. I was a little in disbelief that I actually did it. Especially because hitting that number a little over a week before the competition has set me up to potentially hit a really big-to-me number on my squat this weekend, an amount I didn’t think was actually in my reach. This feels equal parts thrilling and nerve-racking.

I told Grace all of this and immediately qualified it by saying something along the lines of “obviously it’s a bit of a stretch and it’s no big deal if I don’t get it.”

I thought Grace would respond with something like “of course it’s fine if you don’t get it!” or even a “wow, that’s a lot of weight, are you sure??”

But instead, Grace, ever sweet and wise, said: “it’s okay to want it.”

This response helped me feel emboldened. “I really want it. I really do,” I replied to Grace, without adding any further qualifiers. It felt so good to just say it.

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I’ve been thinking about this all week. Why did Grace’s response feel so surprising and also so supportive? Why did it feel like such a big deal to say I hope to be able to squat this big amount of weight?

There’s a lot there, but I think most notable is that when we say what we want — what we desire deep down — it is just so vulnerable. We might not get it! What we want might not happen and then we’ve gone ahead and told someone else how much we wanted it and now they’ll know how disappointed we are. (It feels easier to type all of this in the collective “we” but obviously I can only speak for myself).

But there’s so much connection in vulnerability (duh). And not just with the person we talk to about what we want. But also with ourselves. Admitting to myself what I want allows me to honor my own desires. And that feels very worthy. It also does set me up for potential being dispirited, but I’d rather risk that than not go after what I want.

Obviously this isn’t just about powerlifting. But after thinking about this so much the past few days, when it comes specifically to powerlifting, I’ve realized what I really want is not to even necessarily lift the big, heavy amount. What I really want is the opportunity to try. I want the chance to challenge myself to try something I’m not sure if I’m capable of and do it anyway. …I guess this isn’t just about powerlifting either.

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I’d love to hear from you! What’s something you really want? What’s something you’ve tried and didn’t quite succeed at but you’re glad you tried anyway? What do you want to try next?

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Speaking of powerlifting (segue!), mark your calendar for Sunday March 23rd for my upcoming “No Judgment” class with my pal + fellow powerlifter

Corinne Fay

!

Corinne and I will be making Seven Layer Dip together and chatting about all things body stuff and you can ask us anything. The class is only an hour, all are welcome, sliding scale starting at $0, proceeds will go toHONOR NATIVE LAND TAX . »»»» sign up here!!! «««« My class schedule (and FAQs) lives here and my online video library of past classes (120 and counting!!) lives here. Come cook with me!!! Classes are so fun.

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xxoxo Julia